Well-Being Roulette

Well-Being Roulette

A short collection of songs regarding my life, my mental heath struggles, fails, lessons, and addictions. This goes from 1994- modern day.

1) Foundations. (Rebuilding)

They say you have to knock down in order to rebuild,

In doing this, how many versions of me have I killed?

The young boy who was taught self-preservation is wrong,

While the perpetrators get away with it all day long,

The question is; Is my kindness a personality trait?

Or is it a weakness that allows the pain to be made?

Did all the voices exist because I failed to believe?

Or just masking all the memories I grieved?

I used to be so afraid of letting them rampage,

but now I know they’re here to stop you taking advantage.

  • If you expect me to sink, you can bet I will swim *

    Denying the repulsive scream, the sound of me escaping your sin,

    And when all hope is gone, when it seems that I’ve lost,

    • These foundations I’ve built, get me back on my feet no matter the cost *

If I could sit down with the younger version of myself,

I’d explain we’re the downfall of our mental-health,

Not because we asked for the cards we were dealt,

But the truth that we refused to stand up for our self,

I would promise that kid I would deal with it well,

And as much as I’m comfortable walking through hell,

There will be no more heart or love to those beneath,

Because what burns inside is ready to be un-sheathed,

If you expect me to sink, you can bet I will swim *

Denying the repulsive scream, the sound of me escaping your sin,

And when all hope is gone, when it seems that I’ve lost,

  • These foundations I’ve built, get me back on my feet no matter the cost *

And even behind every cut, every crimson drop,

My life died but my soul never stopped,

I see the eyes of family who dared to touch my heart,

Keeping it going when it needs to restart.

If you expect me to sink, you can bet I will swim *

Denying the repulsive scream, the sound of me escaping your sin,

And when all hope is gone, when it seems that I’ve lost,

  • These foundations I’ve built, get me back on my feet no matter the cost *

2) Midnight Mistress. (Alcohol)

You’ve been in my life so long, I can’t remember anything other,

Your taste, your scent, your protective cover,

It’s true that the sight of you just makes me weak,

And when you’re gone the world turns bleak,

Yet your temporary,

Only temporary,

But the damage you leave is mandatory,

*I Know, I have relied on you for far too long,*

And now, I have to give away what is all wrong,

It’s not fair, crushing my mind under the memories,

*They’re all fake, and just like you, they never benefited me.*

Why can’t I accept every promised goodbye?

When your brief charm only ruins my life?

Not knowing what sent my blindly towards your bait,

but I have to quit now before it’s too late,

I admit that it’s equally my fault,

but that doesn’t excuse all the pain that it brought,

I have literally killed myself just to serve your needs,

and they were only one way, the rawest form of greed,

Yet your temporary,

Only temporary,

But the damage you leave is mandatory,

*I Know, I have relied on you for far too long,*

And now, I have to give away what is all wrong,

It’s not fair, crushing my mind under the memories,

*They’re all fake, and just like you, they never benefited me.*

I’ve given too much energy, just to watch it go to waste,

As much as it kills me, you will be replaced,

The aches and burning are just part of this phase,

Because my time won’t go to what my body hates,

*I Know, I have relied on you for far too long,*

And now, I have to give away what is all wrong,

It’s not fair, crushing my mind under the memories,

*They’re all fake, and just like you, they never benefited me.*

3) Self Talk. (Reaffirming)

Can you count how many times you’ve had to stand back up?

After every door in your remit had been slammed shut,

When time ran out and took with it all the luck,

Kicked back down and left in the rut,

How many excuses have you had to hear?

From the ones that claimed they held you dear,

Only to find out the enemy was always near,

And to reverse the blame and say you bought it here,

I’m really done with you beating yourself up,

When it’s considered a weakness to actually give a fuck,

Drenching you in rage till it fills up the cup,

So the history of what happened can be rewritten and scrubbed,

Yes, others have had worse start in lives,

But your back is the one covered in knives,

Because it’s so fucking easy to do it to you, right?

And people wonder about your obsession to unalive,

But here we are now, bound in steel,

Forced to function, no breather to heal,

Staring the monsters in the face, it’s too fucking real,

Always coming back no matter how many times you kill,

Aren’t you amazed that you still stand and walk?

No matter the distorted whispers that they all talk,

The demons timetable is set to ‘constant stalk’,

Trying to break in but now you’ve changed the lock,

It was you who believed that you could do this,

When everyone under-minded and just took the piss,

You said goodbye to self pity with no final kiss,

Knowing the lies isn’t one of the things you’d miss,

Even on your own when you felt beyond lonely,

Still happy because you’re no second-place trophy,

And to anyone who doubts that, you can all fucking blow me,

Your insecurity’s no longer fucking own me,

The soulless eyes abused the trust in a flash,

Acting surprised that you don’t care if they have a car crash,

Denying that they never tossed you out like trash,

Painting the empty skin they wear like a narcistic rash,

Daniel, you’ve exposed enough now and draw the line,

No more wasting your time,

And if you being happy is such a crime,

Wear the handcuffs, because you’ll be fine.

If I had a pound for every insane notion you’ve hurled,

I have no doubt that I could buy the world,

You keep me down when I should be focused on fixing,

Ripped by the lessons instead of resisting,

Stabbing straight down and tearing everything in sight,

Swarming with your lies, leaving no where to hide,

And you, you are part of me,

The percentage that lives off my agony,

* Fully engrained into the core of my bones,*

Like you think the causality is something I own,

Sick to my stomach from all the projections you’ve shown,

* To the point I don’t feel safe in my own fucking home.*

If I had a dollar for every piece of diminished self-worth,

You can guarantee I’d own everyone on earth,

In the land where rationality is banished,

Left to rule by the remains of the damaged,

You actually have the balls to question what happened to my hope?

When all my reasoning currently dangles from the worn down rope,

And you, you are part of me,

The percentage that lives off my agony,

* Fully engrained into the core of my bones,*

Like you think the causality is something I own,

Sick to my stomach from all the projections you’ve shown,

* To the point I don’t feel safe in my own fucking home.*

Behind the cries, there is only minus decibels,

A lack of answers, and any logic repels,

My own feature length torment of your vicious spells,

Playing on repeat till you’ve carved out my hollow, empty, dead shells,

* Fully engrained into the core of my bones,*

Like you think the causality is something I own,

Sick to my stomach from all the projections you’ve shown,

* To the point I don’t feel safe in my own fucking home.*

4) The Causality Tapes. (Low latent inhibition)

5) Mooplesnoot. (PTSD)

I’d call you by your name, but I don’t know who you are,

Or ever were, you’re a different kind of scar,

A life lived that bares no memories, only fantasies,

And now you’re just a chemo on top of all my other therapies,

I have to cut you out because I can’t control this hate I feel,

After having to watch you kill someone who wasn’t even real.

*You’d think I enjoy it,*

Watching as I destroy it,

Burning and bringing out what’s true,

You think I was prepared,

Doing what I’d always dared,

But I never thought I’d make an example of you,*

Lost in a past that was never really written,

Talking to a world that never fucking listens,

Having to shed my skin while yours melted away,

Spit out your actions and they’ll be with me to stay,

For now, I see who you are under what’s been depicted,

And say goodbye to someone who never existed,

*You’d think I enjoy it,*

Watching as I destroy it,

Burning and bringing out what’s true,

You think I was prepared,

Doing what I’d always dared,

But I never thought I’d make an example of you,*

So when I tell Skyler what happened to mama,

I’ll say you told me to heal while giving me more trauma,

We were never meant for you, and you weren’t meant for another,

I just pray that little girl stops bringing pain on others,

*You’d think I enjoy it,*

Watching as I destroy it,

Burning and bringing out what’s true,

You think I was prepared,

Doing what I’d always dared,

But I never thought I’d make an example of you,*

I don’t want to bring anymore pain,

Only want to be free from whoever you are,

But I’ll wear the bloodstains on my hands,

As a reminder of how high you set the bar.

Sometimes I just have to say ‘fuck it, let’s do this now’,

The only question that begs; which method and how?

So I take the tool and carve the toxins out my stream,

It’ll heal in time to a certain degree,

This state of worthlessness has worked overtime and now it’s stressed,

Self esteem is decompressed and my mind is no longer impressed,

*The grim reality is building, and it’s ran its course,

Destruction is rearing its head and it wants its round of applause,

You can beg me to stop but I’ll happily support the encore,

Blood is more appealing and I cannot resist the urge anymore,*

It’s jarring to look back while being your own doctor and aid,

Particularly when you’ve just become best friends with a blade,

So I turn the grip and let it slide against the grain,

Teasing with each pierce that’s closer to the vein,

You can cringe and judge us for what the damage does within,

Until your sense of self respect has been murdered, you can keep those clueless remarks hidden,

*The grim reality is building, and it’s ran its course,

Destruction is rearing its head and it wants its round of applause,

You can beg me to stop but I’ll happily support the encore,

Blood is more appealing and I cannot resist the urge anymore,*

Sometimes I feel like a freak on a leash (something takes a part of me),

Sometimes I feel like I’ve given up, (tell me what the fuck is wrong with me),

Sometimes I feel the duality, (nothing is what it seems),

Sometimes I’m in your face, (another living fucking deadbeat),

*The grim reality is building, and it’s ran its course,

Destruction is rearing its head and it wants its round of applause,

You can beg me to stop but I’ll happily  support the encore,

Blood is more appealing and I cannot resist the urge anymore,*

6) Souvenir Of Sorrow. (Self harm)


Is there any point in explaining the source for this rage?

Forever treated like a child and then told to act my age,

Watching you buffoon around when you’re dancing on my stage,

And when the pudding wants the proof you wish you had my name,

Are you all done now? Can I finally move on with my life?

Or does some other fucking idiot want to come a take a swipe?

I’m getting bored of this fight but I’ll do it till I die,

You can replicate what I create but my name will always be mine,

As much as I have the cover of the blood and my bones,

What you try to steal is something that I built on my own,

It’s always ends in tears and with actions to atone,

And the silent regret that you wish you’d just left me alone,

*There’s no way out,

Why’d you have to let it break down?

Your name goes under ground,

Buried with the rest of the clowns,*

The jury is out and the gavel comes crashing from above,

Not guilty for being hurt when only trying to spread the love,

How’s it my fault you don’t see what this ‘monster’ is capable of?

You would’ve noticed if you weren’t intent on dragging me through the rough,

Aware I’ll say the truth and that’s why you don’t let me speak,

That was what you sowed and now this is what I reap,

What you saw in me wasn’t the pushover you wished to seek,

You expect me to forgive when there’s been no apology?

So go get your dictionary and find a new name to refer,

I’m well aware that I am the demon you always wished you were,

You think you can be the next ‘Mayo’ but you can’t even stir?

The line to cross is edgy and you’ll always be trapped in the blur,

*There’s no way out,

Why’d you have to let it break down?

Your name goes under ground,

Buried with the rest of the clowns,*

7) Mayonism. (Self defence)

8) Toxicology. (Anti depressants)

No longer under your microscope, so don’t bother trying to analyse,

Just another failed experiment but your conclusion is to tantalise,

Did you get what you wanted in your laboratory of aborted tries,

Or do you still blame the subject for the reflection that you despise?

I know you can hear this,

So go backtrack and fix it,

*You said one thing, that never matched up to the story here,

And rewind, to try and keep the deception unclear,

Again, stumbling over the words I wasn’t meant to hear,

Lost now, what truth were you trying to make disappear?*

You should look closer into ‘denial being an ugly thing’,

Because in this clusterfuck, where do we begin?

A little research wouldn’t hurt before you started mixing,

And now you’re just a wasted test tube not worthy of fixing,

I know you can read this,

So untwist yourself and see what you missed,

And I know you feel this,

So stop stalking what you shattered to bits,

*You said one thing, that never matched up to the story here,

And rewind, to try and keep the deception unclear,

Again, stumbling over the words I wasn’t meant to hear,

Lost now, what truth were you trying to make disappear?*

You played God, so what of your creation?

The boundless monster in your basement,

Only to know that’s not its final destination,

Forever haunted by your cancelled replacement,

*You said one thing, that never matched up to the story here,

And rewind, to try and keep the deception unclear,

Again, stumbling over the words I wasn’t meant to hear,

Lost now, what truth were you trying to make disappear?*

9). Empapathay. (Moving on).

I refuse to let myself worry,

The last thing left to say is that I’m sorry,

Wasn’t my intention to let you down,

But I guess we go down, down now,

Another sickening bludgeon, and now we lay this soul to rest,

There’ll be no enquiry, no formal arrest,

A soul that was once so giving, yet so repressed,

And a mind so blind to the outside, a broken mess,

*I won’t be misplacing my time,

I am not afraid to face tomorrow.

No more room for false promises,

Relinquishing you of your control,*

The real twist here, I’ve had to die to stay alive,

A murder of deficiencies, to this degrading life,

Keeping in part but not giving away, my own surprise,

I’d rather die alone, than to a traitors knife,

Tables have turned now, it’s in my hands,

I decide who comes in, I decide where you stand,

The basic need for company, just seems so bland,

I’ve seen how the earth moves, and I don’t intend to land,

*I won’t be misplacing my time,

I am not afraid to face tomorrow.

No more room for false promises,

Relinquishing you of your control,*

Can finally feel free now,

Not weighed by the hypocrisy,

Awake from the nightmares,

I wasn’t the one who lost me,

*I won’t be misplacing my time,

I am not afraid to face tomorrow.

No more room for false promises,

Relinquishing you of your control,*

10) Good Luck and Farewell. (Forgiveness).

I’ve been trying to find a reason,

To quantify this treason,

You left me to fight these demons,

Thats why I appease them,

It’s rotting into the core,

Summoning the ghosts from before,

A hate I used to adore,

You’re not my problem anymore,

I can’t bank on your words being true,

Just another liar you turned into,

I can’t let you keep this power through and through,

That’s why I choose to forgive you,

This doesn’t mean we’ll ever be friends,

I won’t blink if your life should end,

Your wounds are still deep, I can’t pretend,

Don’t bother checking in while I mend,

So goodbye, or see you in hell?

Take whatever memories with you as well,

The last part of the chapter to tell,

Good luck, and farewell.

11). Evile. (Self confidence/worth).

We all know that the definition of insanity,

Is expecting new outcomes while repeating history,

So why are you so obsessed with betting against me?

When not-staying-down is what I do consistently,

So move the goalposts and place your bets,

Sit back and make sure the rules are set,

But there’s one thing about this contestant you forget,

You’ll never score a knockout because I refuse to stay dead,

*I may not be proud, but I’m definitely not ashamed,

Walk in my shoes? You don’t have what it takes,

Not picture perfect, and the motive is the same,

You already know the result, and yet you still beg me to play,*

You know I’ll no longer be depressed,

Finally awakening from this deep rest,

Stand up and smell the winds of change,

Inject the diseases with a newborn strain,

A truly sick one but defending my health,

At least I’ve never sold my soul at the expense of anyone else,

Let’s face facts and the truth you can’t stand,

You only enjoy playing when you think you have the upper hand,

*I may not be proud, but I’m definitely not ashamed,

Walk in my shoes? You don’t have what it takes,

Not picture perfect, and the motive is they same,

You already know the result, and yet you still beg me to play,*

My attack only starts when you’re in your siesta,

You think you’re the referee but you’re just the jester,

The joke became yours when you tried to keep me down,

Haven’t you learned that I don’t stay in the ground?

*I may not be proud, but I’m definitely not ashamed,

Walk in my shoes? You don’t have what it takes,

Not picture perfect, and the motive is the same,

You already know the result, and yet you still beg me to play,*

12) Nefa Agin (Functional Depression).

I wasn’t meant to follow, I wasn’t meant to lead,

I wasn’t meant for loneliness, I wasn’t meant to breed,

I wasn’t meant for failure, I wasn’t meant to succeed,

I wasn’t meant for safety, I wasn’t meant to bleed,

*Save your breath,

It’s only a sting to remind,

Save your fucking self,

And leave me behind,*

I’m not meant to be colourful, I am adopted by the grey,

I’m not meant to remembered, just another stray,

I’m not meant to be moulded, and yet handled like clay,

I’m not meant to be here, imprisoned to stay,

*Save your breath,

It’s only a sting to remind,

Save your fucking self,

And leave me behind,*

There is no escaping from the surreal,

To give back to a life that never upheld its deal,

So give me the bullet before my final meal,

And we can bring an end to this ordeal,

*Save your breath,

It’s only a sting to remind,

Save your fucking self,

And leave me behind,*

Draw the curtains on the bleak,

And cradle the life you cannot seek,

All buried now with no strength for tears,

Trust and naivety came to die here.

13) Terminal (Residual Trauma).

Laying awake on the makeshift bed,

Fever reaches pitch level, am I dead?

Biting on the relief, I just wish it was lead,

I’ve got too comfortable in this pool that I’ve bled,

Rinse my face, scrub my hands,

Look in the mirror… who is this clown that stands?

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

Who’s the most unrecognisable of them all?

*These are the results as much to your chagrin,

Staying closed and never letting in,

Because I made bricks out the ashes you left me in,

My own church constructed out of sin,*

Killing myself, wasn’t fun,

A waste of time, what have I done?

Never putting myself, as number one,

Just a sick joke, what have I become?

I can’t even get mad at this reflection,

Starring back like a societal rejection,

Self pity milked just like my complexion,

A lifeless body ready for forensic inspection,

*These are the results as much to your chagrin,

Staying closed and never letting in,

Because I made bricks out the ashes you left me in,

My own church constructed out of sin,*

You really should be concerned with my fitness,

And praying I don’t get a terminal illness,

Because if fate decides to pass me this,

You’ll be disappearing without a witness,

This is where I belong and where I learn,

Time in my life will have to be earned,

And those left behind the corners I turn,

I won’t think twice when watching your world burn,

*These are the results as much to your chagrin,

Staying closed and never letting in,

Because I made bricks out the ashes you left me in,

My own church constructed out of sin,*

I’m at the end.

I won’t do this again.

And your life depends,

On our paths never crossing again.

All of you.

14) D.I.O.Y.O (Conclusion).

I’ve lost myself more times than I can count, In the spotlight, only darkness found,

Another martyr in someone else’s name,

I’ve tried to forgive those in the firing line, Just to be chipped away in all good time,

I can safely say that we’re not the same,

A pedigree of foolishness, A qualification in self destructiveness,

Giving away my heart like it’s free,

Waiting for the next one to cross the threshold, And listening to the fiction told,

Your excuses wage a war that isn’t cheap,

*I drill survival in to my brain,

It’s the only thing that stops the pain,

Will this ever end?

Another life to be thrown,

Then you can life my life,

And Do It On Your Own,*

Striking another name from the roster, Neither friend or foe, an imposter,

You’ll stand before my prosecution,

Deny the evidence I have in a pile, More reasoning for your exile,

Dusting off your vile pollution,

Settings get set to alternative speeds, Figuring out what my life needs,

Alas, it won’t be anyone new,

So like Berlin, I’ll have my wall, Where my endurance will stand tall,

And never forget what I’m born to do,

*I drill survival in to my brain,

It’s the only thing that stops the pain,

Will this ever end?

Another life to be thrown,

Then you can life my life,

And Do It On Your Own,*

As I take stock of my blessings,

Grateful for the net during the testing,

But this horse has been beaten black and blue,

A cancellation of scripted deja vus,

So as a reminder to those who are deaf,

I’m the author, I’m the chef,

My body and mind can be destroyed,

But my creations will always have a voice,

*I drill survival in to my brain,

It’s the only thing that stops the pain,

Will this ever end?

Another life to be thrown,

Then you can life my life,

And Do It On Your Own,*